I thought about how to possibly start writing this blog post and it made me think of the other time in my past when I overcame painful suffering in my life.
This blog post is about how I naturally overcame anxiety, physical pain, and depression without drugs. As in, anti-depressants etc. On the contrary, the removal of drugs from my life sorted me out.
As for the other time in my past when I suffered greatly, that was purely mental. However, our brains are inside our bodies as a whole. And those of us who have suffered mentally know full well it is a physical pain too. I'll address this later.
How I Overcame Anxiety & Depression
Up till my mid-thirties I thought anxiety attacks were made-up by wimps who wanted attention. And when I deigned to acknowledge someone's anxiety as being real, I was of the mind to tell them to just get over it.
Oh how my world of arrogance came crashing down around me to the depths of my quivering soul, when my first ever anxiety attack walloped me in the heart, body, and mind, to leave me a shuddering mass of goo-like jelly on the floor of despair wondering...
What. The. Actual. Fuck. Was. That.
I don't even remember where I was when I started having panic attacks. It was just random. I'd be sitting or standing and the next minute I couldn't breathe. The heart palpitations at a rate of knots. The sweating. Dizziness. Confusion. Feeling like you're having a heart attack and stroke at the same time and you are scared you'll die.
If Only I Knew Why Then, Now That I Know Now
Sorry, the above statement is wackadoodle, but true. And telling.
Basically, it was caffeine, booze, and pain killers. No point in delaying saying it like it is. In retrospect I've learned how my body works by now. I'm 44 years old. I've lived a life of hell. Luckily not most days. And every time I've nixed those chemicals from my life, my suffering has ended both physically and mentally. I still suffer from monthly migraines if I'm not extremely careful, due to hormones related to a woman's menstrual cycle. But my anxiety was full on when I drank coffee. My depression was rampant and strong when I drank alcohol. The pain caused by alcohol was excruciating to my brain. The detriment of too much ibuprofen caused my stomach to bleed and become chronically sensitive for life.
The Final Straw
Earlier this year I suffered a mental and physical break so unique and painful, I decided enough was enough.
I'd been commuting my kids to and from school accumulating over 80 miles driving daily. We'd moved house the previous year and I thought I could deal with such a commute, rather than change their schools closer to our new home. I thought wrong.
On a spring morning in May, earlier this year, I got us all hurried into the car, rushing as usual at 7:30am, after the wake-up time of 5:30 in the morning. I dreaded the headache that was sure to arise as it always did on that horrific drive, but that day it would become worse than I could ever imagine.
About half way there, I felt a burning sensation behind my shoulder blades. By the time I reached our destination and dropped off the kids, the burn had travelled the length of my shoulders, neck, and spine, up through the top of my head and down into my eyes. The top of my head felt like someone was aiming a blowtorch at my skull, sizzling my brain inside.
I pulled the car to the side of the road. Turned it off. Got out, and stumbled into the small nearby local hospital for minor injuries only. I didn't care that the waiting room was packed with patients. I was sobbing in pain and I don't know how I managed to walk to the reception desk without falling over.
"Can someone help me." I cried through shaky tears.
Luckily the staff quickly got me a wheelchair, which I sank into gratefully. That at least meant I no longer had to try and use my quivering weakened legs. But the pain in my shoulders, neck, and head made me wish for the blissful painless non-existence of death.
Unfortunately though, you can't die from pain.
So they wheeled me into a room where I cried and cried in agony. They had to send for an ambulance to take me to a bigger hospital. The pain never lessened that day, or for days and days to come, but I taught myself how to sort of endure it.
There were bloody and infected people all around once I got to the bigger hospital. So I discharged myself. Arrangements were made to pick up my car where I'd left it. The pain continued full force for a month. I kid you not. I lived with that excruciating pain that made me ill and exhausted for weeks and weeks.
At some points during May I was able to walk out into the garden and sit on a chaise-longue for some fresh air, but only a little while before I had to go back to bed. The entire time I existed in this constant state of seemingly never ending agony, I had a determined little person inside my brain keeping me together. Stopping me from getting a taxi to that high suspension bridge in Bristol, and throwing myself off it.
Slowly, day by day, through to mid-June. The pain lessened and went away. And in all that time. Hour after hour, minute by minute, second by nearly unbearable second, I always remembered to keep caffeine, alcohol, and drugs out of my body. Now my head and body are clear. That's what it feels like. I feel transparent in my clarity. No more anxiety. No more pain. No more depression. I feel happy in my days and with my routines. I wake, refreshed in the morning. I take care of my kids and home. I work. I exercise. I relax. I do a thing some days too. lol
And as for the other time in my past when I suffered so greatly, mentally, for over a year, that was when I realised there is no god, but that's a blog post for another time.
Upon further retrospect I just remembered the cataclysm of my brain meltdown in May was triggered by a previous eyelid twitch. But this was unlike any eyelid twitch I'd ever experienced in my life that lasted less than a day. Because I'd been over exerting my eyeballs even earlier this year, I developed major blepharospasm, which mean my eyelids were twitching wildly all around my upper and lower lids down to my cheekbones, over to my temples, and up to my eyebrows. It was super awkward throughout May, and when I could finally go out in public again. I had to warn people I spoke with that I wasn't constantly blinking and winking at them, and I definitely wasn't falling asleep standing up or sitting down, when my eyes just wouldn't stay open.
Yeah, I really suffered earlier this year.
Now I occasionally have remnant eye twitching when I look down sometimes. I have to be careful not to stare at screens too much.
This blog post is about how I naturally overcame anxiety, physical pain, and depression without drugs. As in, anti-depressants etc. On the contrary, the removal of drugs from my life sorted me out.
As for the other time in my past when I suffered greatly, that was purely mental. However, our brains are inside our bodies as a whole. And those of us who have suffered mentally know full well it is a physical pain too. I'll address this later.
How I Overcame Anxiety & Depression
Up till my mid-thirties I thought anxiety attacks were made-up by wimps who wanted attention. And when I deigned to acknowledge someone's anxiety as being real, I was of the mind to tell them to just get over it.
Oh how my world of arrogance came crashing down around me to the depths of my quivering soul, when my first ever anxiety attack walloped me in the heart, body, and mind, to leave me a shuddering mass of goo-like jelly on the floor of despair wondering...
What. The. Actual. Fuck. Was. That.
I don't even remember where I was when I started having panic attacks. It was just random. I'd be sitting or standing and the next minute I couldn't breathe. The heart palpitations at a rate of knots. The sweating. Dizziness. Confusion. Feeling like you're having a heart attack and stroke at the same time and you are scared you'll die.
If Only I Knew Why Then, Now That I Know Now
Sorry, the above statement is wackadoodle, but true. And telling.
Basically, it was caffeine, booze, and pain killers. No point in delaying saying it like it is. In retrospect I've learned how my body works by now. I'm 44 years old. I've lived a life of hell. Luckily not most days. And every time I've nixed those chemicals from my life, my suffering has ended both physically and mentally. I still suffer from monthly migraines if I'm not extremely careful, due to hormones related to a woman's menstrual cycle. But my anxiety was full on when I drank coffee. My depression was rampant and strong when I drank alcohol. The pain caused by alcohol was excruciating to my brain. The detriment of too much ibuprofen caused my stomach to bleed and become chronically sensitive for life.
The Final Straw
Earlier this year I suffered a mental and physical break so unique and painful, I decided enough was enough.
I'd been commuting my kids to and from school accumulating over 80 miles driving daily. We'd moved house the previous year and I thought I could deal with such a commute, rather than change their schools closer to our new home. I thought wrong.
On a spring morning in May, earlier this year, I got us all hurried into the car, rushing as usual at 7:30am, after the wake-up time of 5:30 in the morning. I dreaded the headache that was sure to arise as it always did on that horrific drive, but that day it would become worse than I could ever imagine.
About half way there, I felt a burning sensation behind my shoulder blades. By the time I reached our destination and dropped off the kids, the burn had travelled the length of my shoulders, neck, and spine, up through the top of my head and down into my eyes. The top of my head felt like someone was aiming a blowtorch at my skull, sizzling my brain inside.
I pulled the car to the side of the road. Turned it off. Got out, and stumbled into the small nearby local hospital for minor injuries only. I didn't care that the waiting room was packed with patients. I was sobbing in pain and I don't know how I managed to walk to the reception desk without falling over.
"Can someone help me." I cried through shaky tears.
Luckily the staff quickly got me a wheelchair, which I sank into gratefully. That at least meant I no longer had to try and use my quivering weakened legs. But the pain in my shoulders, neck, and head made me wish for the blissful painless non-existence of death.
Unfortunately though, you can't die from pain.
So they wheeled me into a room where I cried and cried in agony. They had to send for an ambulance to take me to a bigger hospital. The pain never lessened that day, or for days and days to come, but I taught myself how to sort of endure it.
There were bloody and infected people all around once I got to the bigger hospital. So I discharged myself. Arrangements were made to pick up my car where I'd left it. The pain continued full force for a month. I kid you not. I lived with that excruciating pain that made me ill and exhausted for weeks and weeks.
At some points during May I was able to walk out into the garden and sit on a chaise-longue for some fresh air, but only a little while before I had to go back to bed. The entire time I existed in this constant state of seemingly never ending agony, I had a determined little person inside my brain keeping me together. Stopping me from getting a taxi to that high suspension bridge in Bristol, and throwing myself off it.
Slowly, day by day, through to mid-June. The pain lessened and went away. And in all that time. Hour after hour, minute by minute, second by nearly unbearable second, I always remembered to keep caffeine, alcohol, and drugs out of my body. Now my head and body are clear. That's what it feels like. I feel transparent in my clarity. No more anxiety. No more pain. No more depression. I feel happy in my days and with my routines. I wake, refreshed in the morning. I take care of my kids and home. I work. I exercise. I relax. I do a thing some days too. lol
And as for the other time in my past when I suffered so greatly, mentally, for over a year, that was when I realised there is no god, but that's a blog post for another time.
Upon further retrospect I just remembered the cataclysm of my brain meltdown in May was triggered by a previous eyelid twitch. But this was unlike any eyelid twitch I'd ever experienced in my life that lasted less than a day. Because I'd been over exerting my eyeballs even earlier this year, I developed major blepharospasm, which mean my eyelids were twitching wildly all around my upper and lower lids down to my cheekbones, over to my temples, and up to my eyebrows. It was super awkward throughout May, and when I could finally go out in public again. I had to warn people I spoke with that I wasn't constantly blinking and winking at them, and I definitely wasn't falling asleep standing up or sitting down, when my eyes just wouldn't stay open.
Yeah, I really suffered earlier this year.
Now I occasionally have remnant eye twitching when I look down sometimes. I have to be careful not to stare at screens too much.
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